Saving Minnesota

Whilst preparing for tonight’s big game against the Cheeseheads, the Original Cyberpunk concocts a scheme to revive the Purple:

The big news in Minnesota this week, of course, comes in two parts. The first is that the Vikings have launched an aggressive campaign to deal with their chronic image problems by unveiling a new 77-page “code of conduct” handbook for their players, as if this lot of remedial English students can be expected to actually read and understand the thing. Secondly, in a related story, the owners of Al and Alma’s Supper Club have won an injunction against Metropolitan Collectibles to prevent further sales of their famous Vikings Cruise souvenir t-shirt.

I, in the meantime, have just had one of my intermittent and wholly undependable flashes of pure brilliance, and have figured out how to solve all of the Vikings’ personnel, money, and public relations problems in one bold stroke. The beauty of my idea is, it can be expressed in a single phrase: Play to your strengths.

And just what are the Minnesota Vikings’ well-proven strengths?

First, spend whatever it takes to get Randy Moss back. Then, sign Terrell Owens, Osi Umenyiora, and Rod “He Hate Me” Smart, if he’s still around. In fact, try to get every player in or recently kicked out of the NFL who’s been penalized lately for showboating, taunting, unnecessary roughness, late hits, or unsportsmanlike conduct.

Next, change the name of the team. “The Minnesota Vikings” is so boring, old-school, and to be blunt, white. We need a new team name; one that truly reflects the energetic spirit of this dynamic new 21st century urban football organization.

I’m not entirely sure that “Skol Thugz” has the same ring to it, however.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: