Calling Private Jessica

The surreal legend of the American amazon continues to grow:

Maj. Jill Metzger, a personnel officer, was last seen at a Zum shopping center in Bishkek, according to the Air Force. In response, 22 OSI agents have been dispatched to Kyrgyzstan to aid in the search. Col. Joel Reese, 376th Air Expeditionary Wing Commander, has sworn “not to rest” until Maj. Metzger is found.

Kyrgyzstan, a former Soviet republic, is 75% Muslim. It’s also infamous for the brutal tradition of “bride kidnapping,” where brides are kidnapped and forced into marriage by Kyrgyz men.

I sincerely hope they recover Miss Metzger alive, unharmed and healthy. And I fully recognize that any military officer can be captured by enemy forces.

But even the most sour-faced lesbian feminist couldn’t miss the irony and black humor if it turns out that an American military officer is forcibly married to her Muslim kidnapper. Some conservatives worry about cutting and running having a negative effect on the way in which the American military is regarded? This could make it a laughingstock.

Mailvox: avoiding the Octagon

The Baseball Savant is curious:

Be honest, if you were to start competing in UFC, how well would you do? I’ll give you the context of training time and getting back a good nutriton/supplment regiment.

What’s the talley?

I haven’t watched any UFC other than the first three, but I assume that I’d probably be forced to tap out in the first round. I’d have reasonable size for a middleweight, as 185 is an ideal fighting weight for me so there’s a reasonable chance that I’d have somewhat of a speed and strength advantage over my opponent.

The problem is that I’m an upright fighter and I’m not all that comfortable when forced to grapple, as it plays to neither my strengths nor my training. I don’t know if UFC is still as grappling-heavy as it was at the beginning, but while the 12-15 locks and holds that I know are more than sufficient for everyday situations, it would be a serious disadvantage against someone who is at home on the ground, to say nothing of a Royce Gracie sort. Unless my opponent screwed up and gave me window for a KO strike while coming in, the probabilities are high that I’d end up locked up and tapping out.

I did win the only UFC-style match I’ve ever fought, however, as I choked out a friend and fellow Dragon who had beaten me for the trophy in a conventional karate tournament a few months before. We were very evenly matched in terms of strength and skill, (he had a bit more of both at the time), but in the shoot fighting match I think my speed and height (read: longer arms) made up the difference since neither one of us really knew how to wrestle.

I should note that another Dragon did quite well in one of the UFCs, I think he came in second in the light heavyweight class, but he could not only kick my ass without much effort, he was a formidable jiujitsu wrestler as well, so I don’t see how that’s useful information.

In any event, I have zero desire to enter the Octagon these days and I don’t think Spacebunny would regard it with favor either.

Sports fans make the best sports writers

This is why I consider Bill Simmons to be a sports fan who happens to write for ESPN, not a sportswriter:

To the dumbest round of preseason stories: glowing features about Art Shell’s coaching comeback with the Raiders, which proved the age-old adage, “If you let enough time pass in sports, people are bound to forget just about anything.” Shell’s 14-year absence from the sidelines had nothing to do with color; he was a terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE game coach. Do you know why we started using the phrase “bad clock management”? BECAUSE OF ART SHELL!!!! During the last two minutes of a half, Art Shell’s math skills made Herm Edwards look like Will Hunting. Really, nobody remembers this? For God’s sake, that’s why he got fired! That’s why I’ve been making “Art Shell School of Clock Management” jokes in my column for the past 10 years! That’s why he hasn’t worked since!

Everyone forgets this, too, but those Raiders teams were almost criminally loaded; it’s astounding they never appeared in a Super Bowl, although they did end up going down as the greatest Tecmo Bowl team of all time. In real life, they committed 12-15 penalties per game under Shell and were a mortal lock to blow any close game…. Unfortunately, no channel shows old Raiders games from the Art Shell Era, so nobody remembers how he stood frozen on the sidelines as the announcers said things like, “Wow, ANOTHER holding penalty on the Raiders; that’s their 10th today!” and “I’m not sure Art Shell knows that you can’t carry over timeouts from one half to the other.” Watch what happens this season. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Except for the hardcore baseball analysts, the sports media grasp of recent history is almost as bad as the mainstream media’s grasp of national and world history. As the Sports Guy points out later in the piece, the combination of a terrible game coach with the dumbest quarterback in the league should make for an fascinating season. This is why I didn’t draft any Raidess… throw in Randy Moss getting frustrated by Week 5 and you’d have to think that the Bay Area would feature the worst two teams in football if it weren’t for the ongoing debacle that is the Houston Texans.

But I don’t think the Sports Guy has to worry about a lack of material this year, even with the absence of the Mikes. I mean, the season hasn’t even begun yet and we’ve already got starting quarterbacks being benched and naked Lions coaches being arrested. As for the latter, the only thing missing was that Matt Millen or his wife weren’t somehow involved.

Forget the NBA, I love THIS game!

Why you REALLY don’t want to marry a career girl

The Telegraph addresses the abhorrent concept of the wifely duty:

Why is it suddenly fashionable for women to brag about how little sex they have with their husbands? Because in their quest for independence, writes the provocative American writer Caitlin Flanagan, today’s exhausted working women have neglected one thing…

So pity the married man hoping to get a bit of comfort from the wife at day’s end. He must somehow seduce a woman who is economically independent of him, bone tired, philosophically disinclined to have sex unless she is jolly well in the mood, numbingly familiar with his every sexual manoeuvre, and still seething over his failure to wipe down the worktops after cooking the kids’ dinner. He can hardly be blamed for opting instead to check his email, catch a few minutes of Match of the Day and call it a night.

Given the curious alchemy of feminism, which transforms anything women choose to do into a crucial element of liberation doctrine, confessing that one has given up sex has become a very right-on and empowering act.

Perhaps you’re more likely to wind up in a sexless marriage if you’re foolish enough to marry a career woman, but at least you can count on getting screwed in the divorce.

I’ve never quite understood why some women get their thongs so twisted about the idea that there is a sexual duty attached to marriage. After all, no one is making anyone get married these days. I’d like to see how many men would still marry if their fiance informed them that she did not see providing sex as her responsibility. I’m guessing that figure would be below 5 percent.

What I find weirdly irrational about most married women, even the more traditional wives, is their screwed up sense of priorities. No wife has a problem with her husband eating at a restaurant or hiring a cleaning lady, and yet many of them place a higher priority on everything from cooking, cleaning and watching TV than on having marital sex. It makes no sense, especially in today’s pornotopia.